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NPB Peoms

For Andy Chatfield

For the world's only chilli burger gourmet,
NPB's sausage hot-pot king,
I've had two hours to think of a gift,
But I've not come up with a thing.

If you ever come off the antibiotics
I could buy you a couple of beers
Or a season ticket for the Halifax General
But I hear you're covered for the next fifteen years.

Nick said he'd bring a ****ing computer game, mate
Guaranteed delivery, but he forgot it.
I could sell you your own fast food outlet
But then I heard that "B.K. - you've got it!"

I could get you two sets of false teeth
For when the dentist pulls out all yours.
Or a key for our famous wooden fire escape
For when Bev locks you behind the cast iron doors.

I could buy you some dodgy Rick Sloane videos
Starring Linnea Quigley or Ginger Lynn
Or even a cast iron stomach
To keep all those chilli burgers in.

But given the general state of your health
I haven't too long to delay,
So before you die of malnutrition
I'll wish you a happy 21st birthday.


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