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Commissioned Peoms

For Emma Byrne

Commissioned by parents Dave and June Almond at the Barkisland Quiz night that they ran annually.

It's true that we'd offer the moon
To welcome back Dave Almond and June,
Inquisitors who foment
Exquisite mental torment -
Oh, let's have another quiz soon!

---

It's a special time of year, and a special year too
When the flavour of the month is indisputably you.
It's your first big celebration since turning eighteen,
So let's tell you about the party that just might have been.

We started off by trying to book a live band -
Brian May was willing, but he had other things planned.
But, for the true inspiration for Sheer Heart Attack
He set up a seance to try to bring Freddie back.

Zaphod suggested we hire Disaster Area instead,
But for tax reasons, Hotblack Desiato's spending another year dead.
Well, at last we got lucky, and Oasis jumped at the chance
To perform at a party for 'La Belle de France'.

For a place to hold the event we searched up and down -
We even tried the McAlly Pally at Huddersfield Town,
But we hadn't realised just how badly they'd feel
About their one and only supporter moving to Lille.

"Well, there are plenty of clubs in the Midlands", we supposed,
But the hot spots have all got cold and everywhere was closed.
You see, the Birmingham night clubs just couldn't afford
Once their star attraction had defected abroad.

We even contacted Red Dwarf and had a chat with Kryten
Who mentioned that Lister's best ever party ended up on Titan.
But as he never worked out himself just how he arrived
He couldn't give any directions - anyway, it's too far to drive.

At least the refreshments were easy enough to provide
But now the house is so full that we can't get inside.
In fact, even the floor boards are starting to crack
Under a mountain of pasta and a few truckloads of Jack.

Well, when our poor Northern Scum student turns twenty one
There's only one thing that remains to be done,
So we'll raise our glasses and we'll toast your health -
Emma Byrne, twenty-one, on the twelfth of the twelfth.


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