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Incompetence Watch #2

Monday, 3rd August, 2002

Reply to Unsolicited Junk Mail, 3 Aug 2002

Jason Smith
Customer Care Manager
AMP Retirement Services
30-36 Newport Road
CF24 0GY

3 Aug 2002

Your Ref: DM51124

Dear Mr Smith,

I have just received, entirely unsolicited, a correspondence from yourselves advertising your Extra Income Plan.

It is somewhat difficult to imagine a potential customer less interested in your product than I am. Needless to say I will not be taking you up on your offer, and will naturally also flag your firm for avoidance at all costs in the future. I am now more likely to do business with your most hated competitor purely out of spite.

I am at a loss to understand just why I have become the target of your misplaced advertising. My only conclusion is that your market research department needs to come to an understanding of why the word 'research' features so prominently in their department name.

You suggest that my house has always been more than bricks and mortar to me. You suggest that I feel comfortable and secure surrounded by so many memories. You suggest that it become a liquid asset and a reliable source of income. It would be polite to refrain from bursting your bubble but this is stunningly inaccurate.

This collection of bricks and mortar is merely a temporary means of keeping out of the rain until I leave the country for good. My memories are abroad with my affection. I am far from comfortable and secure within a crime zone under the auspices of possibly the most incompetent local council in the country. It would be difficult to gain a source of income from this rented accomodation. Perhaps you could persuade my landlord to give me the deeds. Perhaps not.

You seem to be under the impression that I am a homeowner over 70 years of age. The only words here that are accurate are 'I' and 'am'. The only money locked up in my property is in a piggy bank kept for my girlfriend's youngest child. It consists of nickels and dimes and the odd Canadian loonie. It won't pay for my retirement.

Please do not send me a free, no-obligation, information pack and video. In fact, please do not send anything whatsoever, ever again, unless it happens to be an apology for lowering the tone of my day with your unwanted missive, accompanied by an assurance that you will never do so again. If you choose to do so, you may garner the tiny piece of respect that currently lies a large distance out of your reach. It would be pleasant to have it signed personally.

I note that you include further details at a website. Your Privacy Policy makes interesting reading. It would be even more interesting were you to abide by it.

The design of your site is not bad at all though it is a shame that most of it does not work under Opera. I would offer you a package designed to correct these problems but I wouldn't want to do business with people who not only choose to spam me but have such obsolete thinking that you are happy to use up trees in the process.

I would reply by e-mail but for some reason you neglected to provide an address. Perhaps you assumed that you would not receive many positive responses. Please note that the deaths of any tree nymphs caused through this correspondence fall personally upon your own head. I absolve myself of any responsibility in the matter.


Hal C F Astell

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